Date: 2013-06-09 09:31 pm (UTC)
griffin_cordray: typewriter (Default)
Some notes for revision:

- in the thesis, change "acts told to be done by God" to "acts dictated by God" or "acts commanded by God" -- this makes it read more smoothly.

- In your outline, your Roman numeral sentences should be your topic sentences; they should be "mini-arguments" that work to support your thesis. Your first two topic sentences, points I and II, currently read as questions. This can be a suitable rhetorical style for the final draft, but in the outline, those topic sentences should stand as declarative statements -- the answers to those questions.

- I'm unclear as to how some of your subpoints function as evidence. Consider I.a. "The consequences of not breaking leads to a sinful life." This is an argument on its own. What in the film supports this statement? THAT should be part of your evidence. (Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "not breaking through naivety." Clarify!)

- Your final point (III) and subpoints (a, b, c) are more like what I'm looking for. You start with a strong argument (John Doe breaks through the barriers to show sin) and you support that with textual evidence. You should seek to clarify what you mean by "breaking through barriers," though, since I feel this is a vital part of your argument.

Good start! Let me know if you have questions.
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